Before I start I would like to share that I am currently job hunting which has taken up a lot of my time (hence the gap since the last post). To make matters worse I had the post all typed up and ready and then my nephew accidentally messed with my computer and it erased it. So I have tried to re-write it to the best of my ability. Let’s see how it goes.
Relationships are hard. Whoever says differently are just kidding themselves. I think my favorite response to this is when people say “If you truly love the person then relationships are easy”. Pardon my language but that is bullshit. As soon as you involve the word LOVE it makes things a million times harder! Even when it becomes difficult people still pretend that everything is going just fine. It always amazes me when people know something is wrong but insist on ignoring it, as if that will make it go away. They avoid confrontation and end up boiling in resentment until they explode.
This is how it starts: Boy meets girl (or girl meets boy) and nothing else seems to matter. Butterflies are in your stomach and it is almost as if you can take over any obstacle life throws at you. Your eyes light up while you tell people about them and you can envision the rest of your life going exactly as you always wanted.
“This is what love does: It makes you want to rewrite the world. It makes you want to choose the characters, build the scenery, guide the plot. The person you love sits across from you, and you want to do everything in your power to make it possible, endlessly possible. And when it is just the two of you alone in a room, you can pretend that this is how it is. This is how it’s going to be”. -David Levithan
Then when it is over, this depression hangs in the air as if the world is coming to an end, it is almost unbearable. Looking back over the past however many years dissecting every little detail trying to figure out what it is you did that brought things to the end. It goes on like this until someone new comes along and BAM! the world stops and all of that pain dissipates with the hope that this may be the one you have been waiting for. It is the exact definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.
“The moment you fall in love it feels like it has centuries behind it, generations- all of them rearranging themselves so this precise, remarkable intersection could happen. In your heart, in your bones, no matter how silly you know it is, you feel that everything has been leading up to this. All the secret arrows were pointing here, the Universe and time itself crafted this long ago, and you are just now realizing it. You are just now arriving at the place you’re meant to be”. -David Levithan
I am not trying to be extremely cynical. Trust me I absolutely LOVE love. I want to be the kind of person that believes there is someone out there just for me. I want to believe that I exist in this world to be there for that someone. But I am just not good at relationships, I never have been, and that is something I am not sure I will ever be good at. I always manage to find flaws, sometimes in them, but mostly in myself. I can predict the end and then I go and cause the end. I do this in an attempt to save myself but end up alone [David Levithan].
Even if the relationship doesn’t meet its end I still go about the relationship detached and aloof. This behavior usually bothers the person I am with and I know everyone tells me to just try, TRY to change, but why should I change myself for the person who supposedly loves me for who I am? I mean even when I detach, I care, you can be separate from something and still care about it. That is one concept most people can’t seem to understand.
Another factor is my taste in guys. I know all the girls reading this can relate. I am all about the troubled boys. The ones who need me to guide them and take care of them. It makes me feel needed and important. But the problem with being a girl who loves a lost boy, is the girl becomes lost herself [David Levithan, Every Day], and that is the beginning of the end. You spent all this time building a relationship and then it’s like one night you left the window open during a storm and everything was destroyed.
“The world is broken. But maybe it isn’t that we are supposed to find the pieces and put them back together. Maybe we’re the pieces. Maybe what we’re supposed to do is come together. That is how to stop the breaking”. -David Levithan
Maybe the fantasy of love doesn’t exist anymore. But maybe that is okay. What is it that everyone always says? Everything is okay in the end, and if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.
As for me, I am perfectly happy not holding up to the status quo that everyone seems so hell bent on being apart of, it works for me. What doesn’t work for me is feeling like I have somehow failed because I am three years shy of 30 and not in a serious relationship. Maybe I will get married and maybe I won’t. Maybe I will have kids and maybe I won’t. I don’t know any of that yet. I am in my 20’s and I am living my life. This is the time of adventure and exploration, if during this time I meet someone with the same ideals as me then maybe I will have an adventure with them. I just don’t know. All I know is I am happy, and before this pressure of “falling in love” came over the world, happiness was the ultimate goal in living was it not?
xoxo.
[Currently Listening to: School Friends by Now, Now]
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