You brought out the best in me. A part of me I’ve never seen…

Hello everyone and happy Wednesday! So I have been feeling rather nostalgic lately and I am not sure if it is just because of the time of year it is or if it is just for any random reason but this post is going to be less “cynical anti-relationship Kara” and more “romantic loving love Kara”.

I discovered recently by doing a thorough reading of my Birth Chart that my Venus is in Pisces. This actually caused one of those “light bulb” moments in that now I understand why  I constantly feel so empathetic towards other relationships as opposed to my own. For example, when I witness other men and women going through turmoil my heart just hurts for them and I want to do whatever I can to fix them, but I am never concerned with my own heartache to the same degree. Or why I can spend all of my free time watching these great but sad films revolving around some sort of love story, which at some point I always connect with and feel so much emotion towards, but have never once attempted a real love story of my own.

Okay. That last sentence may not be entirely true. There was once a time where I did finally succumb to love and allow my story to be written. I actually got a decent amount of chapters filling up the delicate binding in which holds my fragile life together. And I was happy. I mean genuinely, positively, “the world seems brighter the grass looks greener”, happy. I mean up until this point, I had no idea there could be another person on this planet who could have the ability to understand me, without TRYING to because it is a challenge for them. I mean being with him really did erase all the darkness from my past and allowed me to envision a future. Like the song says above I really did feel like our feelings for one another were made for the movies. At a time in my life where I had given up believing in myself because, why should I? No one else seemed to. Here comes this guy who believed in me, saw something in me that I couldn’t even see, and best of all he made me believe in myself.

Now, I am not sure if it is the side effects of growing up in a broken home with the only example of relationships/marriage being divorce, or if it is because I am an Aquarius and let’s just face it we are pretty much the hardest people to get to commit to anyone. But I have this terrible tendency of being hot and cold when it comes to relationships. I will be all in and then I will be very distant and detached. When I am all in there comes a moment of panic where I fear that things are just going too well and I am too happy which inevitably means something bad is going to happen leading me to distance myself as a means of protection from heartache. It is all very twisted and messed up and I am not a fan of this behavior one bit. But of course this game went on throughout our relationship and trust me he had his issues too which came into play on top of mine ultimately creating a volatile relationship which of course became violent in the end. I know we all wish we could go back in time and do something differently in hopes it would have worked out but we all know we can’t do that so our only option is to move forward and heal from the pain caused by this heartache. Then once we are healed we can do it right the next time (or at least better).

Some say I have not dated because I have some high expectations of this “fairytale” relationship. My response to that is, “So what?”. I really don’t think it is that ridiculous to hope I meet someone who makes me feel as if the world is moving in slow motion or who looks at me and makes it difficult for me to catch my breath. I also don’t think it is absurd to hope I meet someone I cannot imagine spending a minute without, that when we are apart we miss each other, so that when we see each other it is butterflies all over again. I don’t think that is crazy because I’ve had that before. So if I’ve had it before I can have it again. And I try not to compare guys to my past relationship but in that sense I will have my standards high because I am not going to date someone who doesn’t give me that rush of adrenaline and excitement when we are together. If I do then I am just settling and I refuse to settle just because people tell me that is just how life is: you meet someone, you share common interests, the person is nice with a good job and will be a good parent, so you get married and live mediocre robotic lives together until you die. Or worse, get divorced, so you can put your kids through a miserable upbringing causing them to have the same intimacy issues you have thanks to YOUR parents.

Thanks to nostalgia I have considered the possibility of this not being possible due to the idea that perhaps you only get one shot at a “fairytale” romance. There is nothing worse than thinking back on your past and wondering if you will ever have that again (I mean the good times not the bad). This doesn’t mean you’re not over your ex because trust me I am over him, it has been years and I don’t think about getting back together or anything like that, but I do wonder if he was it. I wonder if I will meet someone who just makes sense physically, emotionally, and mentally, like he did. Or if I will meet someone who almost does but just not quite as much. How can you not be constantly let down in the dating scene when you have yet to meet someone who is actually worth getting ready and leaving your house for? I do my best to reassure myself that if my ex was meant to be the Universe would have made it happen. Unless it was that my timing was off which is a definite curse of mine.

All I want is, all I need is, to find somebody. I’ll find somebody… Like You.”

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: All I Want by Kodaline]