The Monsters in my head are scared of Love.

Hello everyone! I hope you all enjoyed your Labor Day weekend (I know I definitely did). I spent Friday through Sunday in Las Vegas relaxing in a beautiful Venetian Suite by day and partying to Skrillex and Diplo by night! All good things must end and now I am home wishing I were still there because reality can be such a bummer.

I know you are all used to me ranting on and on about my cynical views on love, and even though I constantly insist that I am NOT cynical when it comes to relationships, I am sure most of you don’t believe me haha. Here is the honest truth though: Love seriously terrifies me. I mean it. I can handle ANY scary movie out there. I actually enjoy the adrenaline rush I get from fear. But meeting someone and letting my guard down, giving them the potential to hurt me, that has got to be the scariest thing I have ever experienced.

I think my biggest worry has been that I will meet that “someone” and we will be together and be happy and whatever, and then one day he will just wake up and not love me anymore, but feel obligated to me or something and stay in the relationship even though he isn’t happy anymore. I think this stems from witnessing all the unhappiness around me. Divorce, adultery, lying, cheating, manipulation, and etc. Like I said in my previous post, my Venus is in Pisces (astrologically speaking), and I believe that makes me even more empathetic when it comes to feeling what happens to those around me. It is like this quote I heard in one of my favorite films “The United States of Leland” where Ryan Gosling’s character is explaining the two ways of seeing the world: that you can either see the sadness that is behind everything, or you can choose to keep it all out.

It covers my eyes. It’s all I can see. Say there’s some kids playing baseball. All I see is the one kid they won’t let play because he tells corny jokes and no one thinks they’re funny. Or I see a boy and a girl in love and kissing, you know. I just see that they’re gonna be one of those sad old couples one day who just cheats on each other and can’t even look each other in the eye. And I feel it. I feel all of their sadness. I feel it probably worse than that sad old couple or that corny kid will ever feel it.”

That is how he describes being the type of person who sees the sadness all around us, it is the best way I can describe how I feel all of the time, and it literally causes my heart to hurt on a daily basis. I don’t know how to make it stop. I don’t know how to be one of those people who keeps that out I really don’t and I wish I did. I wish so badly to be one of those people who can just allow myself to be loved despite the risk involved because I want it trust me I want it so bad. But I find it so much simpler to just be alone and not even put myself through the mess. I mean tell me, how can I even begin to allow myself to dive head first into a commitment when all around me I see married couples in open relationships and guys who have serious girlfriends but are talking to me about sleeping with me? Because there is no way in hell I want to be the wife who stays home while my husband brings his girlfriend to Vegas, and I definitely don’t want to be the girlfriend who finds out my boyfriend has been cheating on me but didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to “hurt me”, I just don’t even know what to think anymore all I know is that my walls are up and it is not for no reason. All of a sudden I can’t sleep again and I am beginning to question so many things as I continue to move forward in my life and I just want to know what is the point of it all? What is the point of feeling so empty without the ultimate outcome being that I become full?

And in the end, we are all just humans… drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Bruised by Jacks Mannequin]